Decisions

Back when my friends and I first started noticing guys it was our main conversation.  In fact every time there was a pause in a conversation we would say, "Sooo... Who does every body like...?”  I don't remember exactly who started this quote but it stuck for a long time and was repeated constantly.  I never admitted to liking anyone and can say with almost complete confidence that it was because I stayed emotionally objective for the most part.  In order to have a clear conscious, though, I must admit that as a freshman in high school I did like one guy from Illini Bluffs, but I blame this on being young and stupid.  But he never noticed me, thank goodness, so that died pretty quickly.

 The reason I was able to keep myself from falling in love was the voice I had in the back of my head that always reminded me that I wasn’t good enough; that I wasn’t pretty enough.  With the expectations of the church and my family being that I grow up, get married, have kids, then eventually die, this was an issue.  After a while I realized that I actually do have the option of not getting married and, although this life didn’t seem very appealing, it was manageable.  But that still didn’t keep me from thinking about marriage whenever I was around my friends or whenever I saw a handsome guy with good character.  Then I would remind myself that he deserves someone better and try to be content with my self-inflicted solitary future.  But the emotional stress of the self-pity was tiring.  So one night, when I had had enough, the thought popped into my head that this wasn’t my decision at all and that my plans for my future could be in conflict with God’s and, in fact, inhibiting his ability to work through me.  So I decided to give that decision over to him and, even though I was still young and didn’t necessarily understand all that that decision meant, I was immediately filled with a spectacular peace.  It was like I could hear God saying, “Yes Anni!  Thank you so much.  I will take care of you! Thank you!”  And although I sometimes forget this decision, it still gives me peace and encouragement to remember that God’s watching over me.