Love

Maybe it's just because it was just February :)
     Sunday the 16th, which was two Sundays ago, my Mom and I drove to church together.  Dad had left earlier to go to the jail and Ryan and Steven had stayed the night with Tyler.  We left early so that I could go to the prayer meeting the young group has been having before church to pray for our church and so Mom could drop off some church clothes for Ryan and Steven.  I started talking about the attempts we made to have coffee at the prayer meeting and Mom started getting quiet.  I knew this meant that she was probably thinking of some church issue that she was disagreeing with and less about what I was saying.  So since my topic of conversation wasn't that interesting I asked her what was on her mind.  She starts talking about how you have to be careful about doing showy thing like praying out loud in a group and how we all want to look good.  I wasn't expecting this.  Even though we mess up sometime I truly believe that every heart in the young group is sincerely trying to follow God.  And as far as personally I do not enjoy praying out loud in a group.  It makes me nervous and I have to remind myself that I am talking with God and not to the people in my group.
     To me it felt as if this was another good thing that I was taking joy and all Mom could do was see how it could go wrong.  I felt as if there was nothing I could do that would simply be pleasing to her.  I got angry at her and said some things I shouldn't have said.
     I barely made myself go down to the prayer meeting.  I felt defeated.  I was ashamed of myself for the way I had acted and disheartened by the way I felt I could not live up to my Mom's expectations.  I was broken and left unsure of what to do.
     I went up to first service.  Craig gave the sermon.  Toward the beginning of it he tells a story about one of the students he has been helping (he is a counselor at a school).  She is a Christian.  She came to Craig telling him about how she had an argument with her Mom that had really brought her down.  She didn't understand why.  Craig asked if she has been reading her Bible lately and she said that it had been a couple months.  He told her that it could be God's way of trying to get her to turn back toward him.  I haven't been vary consistent with my devotions either.  So I was like, Ok God, you are obviously talking to me.  I am down and insecure and ready to listen.  The foundation of hollow securities and misplaced trust had been swept from beneath my feet.
     Then Craig opens up to 1 Corinthians 13.  I have always only half read this chapter the times it has come up, writing it off for romantics or married people.  But God was talking to me.  As the chapter describes how selfless love is I realized that my love for Mom was completely selfish.  I had not been long suffering.  I had behaved myself unseemly, I was seeking my own.
     I used to walk down the halls at ICC and feel an overwhelming love for each and every person I passed.  I knew that's the person I wanted to be so I have been trying to do caring acts and kind gestures but it's all felt so hollow.  I prayed God would make me that person again but I couldn't figure out what was missing.  Verses 4-7 are all about how you can have great gifts or do kind things, but without love you are nothing and it will profit you nothing.
     So once again I think God is calling me to love.